The Girls That End in E

Austin's Quotes

Posted by Austin W. Dallas | 0 Comments

After an argument with a dumbass:
"If stupidity was currency, you would be Bill Gates."

After hooking up:
"I found her back door key. It was at the bottom of a bottle of tequila."

After hooking up with a bible thumper:
"She was cool, but she was triple lettering in Jesus."

After getting flashed up the skirt of a girl that is just a friend:
"Thanks for the show, but I only need the preview, not the full feature."

To an older woman I was dating around my birthday:
"Austin, What do you want for your birthday this year?"
"I don't know exactly, probably something younger."
"You are such an asshole."

About a jackass at work who would never take responsibility for his own f&^$ up:
"If Bill would spend less time Blamethrowing and more time selling maybe we would turn more of a profit."

From a girl I used to hook up with:
"Who said no parking in the rear? Not this girl."

To a girl after going downstairs:
"Darlin' I tried, but I think you are you wearing that old moist and muddy perfume?"

To a buddy about a girl I was about to go home with:
"I am going to put a fresh coat of filth on that ass."

To a homeless man who pulled out his junk while walking down the street downtown:
"Hey buddy, keep your passion in your pants."

To a girl I was about to go down on with an extremely effeminate father:
"You look like your parents. Did you get your mom's vagina or your dads?"

During a bout with food poisoning:
"I really have to fart, but I am not sure if I am going to blow air or water."

On Cinemax:
Soft core porn is like a girlfriend that just lays there like a dead fish during sex. You will enjoy it for a few minutes just get your rocks off, but you would much rather be doing something else.

To a group of eager young men:
"Pu$$y is a fine meal, eaten in moderation."

To myself after reading some of the disturbing thoughts I have:
"Austin, you better go do something, before you become permanently pickled in perversion."

On getting played with:
"I'll take four on the ding and one in the ring."
"I'll take two on the sac and one in the back."

On doing the playing:
"I gave her two in the maxi and one in the taxi."
"I gave her two in the bass and one in the gas."

On late night drinking:
Beer. Helping people solve the world's problems till the wee hours of the morning. Too bad nobody could remember the solutions the next day."

On Febreeze:
"If you ever get caught sniffing a woman's panties, just tell her you were researching new scents for Febreeze."
"When is Febreze going to create some not-so-fresh scents? I guarantee there is a maket for Used Sticky Panties or Sweaty Swimsuit Bottoms?"

About a girl I slept with when I was hammered:
"I don't really remember what happened other than she moaned me a lullaby and hip rocked me to sleep."

On procrastination:
"Procrastination is putting off today what I am probably not going to do tomorrow either."

Advice to a friend throwing a Thong and Beer Pong party:
"Please be courteous to your neighbor when wearing high cut bikini briefs. No one wants to see pigtails below the waist, so please trim your naughty beard before coming."

About Wings:
Friend: "Do you want to meetup at Buffalo Wild Wings for beers?"
Austin: "Are you insane? I would rather get caught cheating on a girlfriend, than cheat on Hooters."

To a big breasted girl I was sleeping with who wanted me to take her out on an actual date:
Girl: "When are you going to take me out for dinner?"
Austin: "Probably right after never; I will only date your boobs."

To a buddy who banged a large girl:
"Were you thinking fat is the new skinny when you were with that girl?"

About salad tossing:
How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of an anal pop?

About a bar in Dallas that was packed with Ed Hardy and Affliction:
There are so many tools in this place, we should start playing Duck Duck Douche.

About a one night stand:
Friend: "Did you f%^& that girl last night?"
Austin: "I did, but when she kept trying to cuddle afterwards I wished i could unfuck her."





How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of an anal pop?

The Girls That End in "E"

  • Courtney if you want to read about a girl who might be from another planet.
  • Sandy if you want to read about a girl who Facebook stalks and might time travel.
  • Robbie if you want to read about a girl who gave me a red rocket.
  • Allie if you want to read about a girl who likes to play dress up.

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