The Girls That End in E


Posted by Austin W. Dallas | 0 Comments

Halloween is such a great holiday. Even the girls who normally dress conservatively, end up wearing revealing costumes. After a few years of adult Halloweens the slutty costumes start to add up into a collection. I was “dating” this girl a few years ago that loved to play dress up before getting it on. She had all kinds of outfits: cheerleader, mistress, cop, little bo peep, devil, angel, kitty and a referee. Then one day she pulled out a new one on me.

“Austin, I have a new outfit for dress up tonight.”

“That sounds awesome darlin’. What is it? A cowgirl? A naughty school girl? Little Red Riding Hood?”

“It’s a surprise. You are just going to have to wait until later.”

“Fine. Can I have a hint? It’s going to be a long day at the office if you do not at least give me a clue to what you are going to wear.”

“Okay, I will give you a hint. She needed to be saved from a tower by a Prince.”

“Oh, what is that one called? You know the one with the hair.”

“You are a smart boy. I am sure you will figure it out. Now have a good day at work and call me later.”


I kiss her good-bye and head off to work. It was driving me crazy trying to remember the name of the storybook princess in the tower. I just Googled it. The interweb told me it was Rapunzel. Then I proceeded to look for Rapunzel costumes online so I could fanaticize about my evening. Unfortunately, looking at these outfits was not really doing it for me. All the options I found online were just regular princess dresses. Pink, cutsie, kind of boring actually. I am sure Allie is going to look good in whatever she wore, she always did. This is nothing like the outfits she usually wears. This is not slutty at all.

Oh God, I hope this does not mean she is starting to fall in love with me and wants to start cleaning up our sex life. It is pretty good right now and I do not want to have to dump her/blow her off quite yet. She is fun and likes to do a lot of the same things I do. Watch movies, drink, play trivia, drink, have sex, drink, cook, drink, you know the basics of twenty-something’s everyday.

By lunch time, I have myself worked into a minor panic that Allie is starting to have real feelings for me and wants to take our relationship to the next level. This is not cool with me. I am a one of the most commitment-phobic guys out there. I like Allie, but I will run for the hills if she wants to put a title on what we have going on.

The remainder of the day drags on. I desperately scour the web trying to find at least one version of Rapunzel that is hot. It’s like the internet is broken for me today. I feel like a caveman randomly banging on the keys, and think the mouse is some sort of drum. I cannot seem to find anything I want.

My work day is shot. I accomplished next to nothing and I am in a complete panic by day’s end. I go home, workout and attempt to get my mind relaxed so I can squelch the panic.

I procrastinate calling Allie in the early evening. She finally calls me around 8:00 p.m. I nervously answer.


“Austin, what are you doing? I thought you were going to call me when you got off work.”

“Sorry Allie, I had a long day at the office and I wanted to get in a workout.”

“Oh okay. Are you coming over tonight? I made dinner.”

“Yeah. I will be over in a little while. Let me take a quick shower.”

“Hurry up. I have another surprise to tell you about.”

Sweet mother of God. What is it now? Tell me something? She is going to drop an “L” bomb on me. Isn’t she? The panic started to set back in.

“Can you tell me now in case it is something I do not want to hear about?”

“What is that supposed to mean?”


“Austin, your dinner is already cold. I already ate mine and it was delicious. Just get a move on.”


“Did you have a bad day at work today or something? You sound annoyed.”

When I do manage to evoke an emotion, I am one of those people that does not hide it very well.

“It was fine, just unproductive.”

“Okay, well I’ll see you in bit Honey Bear.”

“See ya.”

Honey Bear? That’s new. She has not called me a pet name yet.

I go ahead and get showered. I pack a bag for tomorrow and head over to Allie’s house. She serves me some sort of porridge crap for dinner that was pretty f*&^*in’ terrible. She makes us some drinks and we sit and talk just like we have been for the past couple months. No more Honey Bears. I finished off a six-pack or so, and I am finally able to relax. Allie was being just as cool as normal. I still avoided asking about what she wanted to talk about earlier. It’s getting closer to the time when we have been going to bed.

“I am going to get ready for bed. Do you want anything before I go change?”

“No I am good. I am just going to watch a little TV and drink another beer while you get ready.”


She kisses me and goes into the bedroom. I end up drinking like four more beers waiting for Allie. What the hell is taking her so long? I am starting to wonder if she fell asleep. I go check on her.

“Allie, what are you doing? Why in the world is it taking so long to get ready to get naked?”

“This outfit is a lot of work. I am almost ready. I will call you in here in a few more minutes.”

“Good grief.”

I go back to the couch and polish off another beer. I am actually pretty tipsy at this point and primed up for a little dress up game, even if it is freaking boring ass Rapunzel. Dammit! I had forgotten how crappy this costume is going to be.

 “Okay, I am ready.”

“F*&%in’ finally!”

I walk into the bedroom to find my gift laying there on the bed. I look at Allie and she is wearing a Princess Fiona outfit. One noticeable problem though, she is not dressed like the human princess version. She is dressed as the Ogre version, complete with Ogre ears and what little exposed skin she is actually showing appears to all be painted green. I am sexually horrified and at the same time it is quite funny, so I laugh at her.

“What in the hell are you wearing?”

“Princess Fiona. You do not like it do you?”

“I see that. Is Ogre Princess Fiona supposed to be hot?”

“Get over here and find out.”

“Do I have to?”

“Austin W________ Dallas!”

“Calm down. I just do not want to be a part of a belly scandal and a mud bath if I get behind you.”

“Sometimes, you really are disgusting, Austin.”

“I am not the one who painted myself green.”

“F&^%in’ asshole.”

“Shut it donkey. I was just teasing. It’s cute in a weird sort of way. And not at all what I was expecting.”

“What were you expecting?”


“Yeah, Rapunzel is not sexy.”

My voice pitch goes up a little, “And this is?”

“The surprise part might make it more appealing.”

“I am not dressing up as Shrek.”

“I do not want you to dress up as Shrek. Besides, that would take forever to paint you too.”

“Well then, what’s your plan chief?”

She pulls a rope from under her pillow.

“I want you to be a one of the angry mobsters. You have to catch me and tie me up.”

“Okay, you sold me.”

“I thought I might.”

“Where do you come up with this stuff?”

“It’s just the kinds of things I fantasize about while you make me watch Family Guy.”

“You know what I fantasize about when you try and make me watch The Real World.”

“What’s that?”

“Dating someone else who actually has a sense of humor”

“You are such a jerk.”

“Whatever, you know you love me.” …

Oh shit, what did I just say? Did I just use love in a sentence. Why is she looking at me like that? Oh no, I recognize this scene. Please don’t. Please don’t. I better nip this in the bud.

… “Do not even think about it!”


“I see the wheels turning behind your eyes.”

“Austin, I do care about you. And, I know you care about me too.”

“Let’s not talk about this right now Fiona. So, did you paint everything?”

“Well…almost everything.”

“I want to see.”

“Promise you will be sweet and not leave in the middle of the night?”

“I am always sweet. No promises. Now pass me the ropes so I can catch a dirty little Ogre.”

“Promise.”, as she does this she opens up her skirt, revealing her puzzle of distraction.

This girl does not fight fair. She knows my attention span can turn on a dime. Look at the puppy Austin. Look at the puppy.

“Huh…yeah, yeah, of course I’ll stay.”

She hands me the rope, “Okay, now that you have seen your prize, close your eyes, count to ten and see if you can find me.”

The rest of the story will just have to be left to your imagination…




The Girls That End in "E"

  • Courtney if you want to read about a girl who might be from another planet.
  • Sandy if you want to read about a girl who Facebook stalks and might time travel.
  • Robbie if you want to read about a girl who gave me a red rocket.
  • Allie if you want to read about a girl who likes to play dress up.

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